It is impossible to explain to people the amount of damage that a covert narcissist Mother will do to you and your family.
Unless they have been through it.
You will pull your hair out trying to convince everyone that behind closed doors that she isn’t the “super mom” personality that they see.
For the sake of your mental health, I suggest you stop trying to convince people so you can get back to who you used to be.
A narcissistic parent can make you doubt your own mind with no sweat.
It’s in your best interest to focus on how to deal with the abusive mother rather than getting the approval of people who will never see your scars.
I have been lucky enough to protect my daughter from this cruel behaviour week after week.
However, it’s not easy.
With that being said, here are signs of a covert narcissist Mother you will likely have seen in your family.
- Guilt Trips
- Disregards your feelings
- Tells you to lie for them
- Broken promises
- You feel more like their parent instead of their child
- Plays “Super Mom” in public
- Insults you
- Gaslighted you to question your sanity
- Favourited children, also known as “Golden Child”
- Defensive at any type of criticism
What causes covert narcissism?
There is still a lot of research that Psychologists will need to do to find the real cause of narcissistic personality traits.
A 2015 study found that adults with narcissistic personality traits frequently had parents who overvalued their achievements, emphasizing status and praise. The researchers speculate that this teaches children that they are superior to their peers.MedicalToday | Causes of narcissism
Genetics, childhood drama from sexual or verbal abuse are likely linked to personality disorders.
In my experience with my daughter’s abusive Mother, I was able to uncover a lot of childhood drama that occurred in her own childhood.
Similarities like physical abuse, neglect, and a brother being the golden child began to raise red flags in my mind.
Unfortunately, directly asking a covert narcissist Mother about her childhood would have relentless backlash.Our daughter would get subtle abuse if I ever tried to get information about her narcissistic parent's broken childhood. Click To Tweet
Any kind of criticism or “hint” at a problem will be taken as an attack.
There’s no point in fighting a delusion that she thinks is real.
Avoiding these delusional rages is one of many things I have learned to make sure our daughter is protected from the abuse.
How to deal with a covert narcissist Mother?
If you are looking for easy ways to deal with a Narcissist, you aren’t going to find it.
There is no easy way to handle covert narcissism.
However, that doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
It doesn’t matter how far into a relationship you are, you can recover. It will be hard, and far from easy.
But realising what you are up against is an important step to recovery.
Some people deal with a covert narcissist their whole life and are made to believe their manipulation until they die.
Sad, right? Well, you are already ahead of your narcissist.
With that being said, here are the ways to deal with a narcissistic parent:
1. Forgiveness to yourself
- You can forgive your Narcissist if you want, but you should start by forgiving yourself.
- After years of abuse, self-hate and blame become apart of your character.
2. Educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder
- Get to a library and teach yourself the complexity of personality disorders.
- The internet is full of information, but it can be overwhelming to sift through the real and the fake.
- If you are going through court, you need to make decisions if it is worth it or not. A Covert narcissist mother will manipulate judges.
3. Emotionally disconnect yourself
- Accept that you are the only one responsible for your well-being and happiness.
- Understand that you can’t fix people or make them love you.
- Recognize that they are not capable of love. To anybody.
- Eliminate patterns and hooks that a covert narcissist has on you
- They spent a long time getting you attached. It’s no different detaching yourself.
4. Know your boundaries
- Learn to avoid negative comments and intrusive questions.
- Proper boundaries will include consequences. Act on these immediately as they always want to test what they can get away with.
- View them as a 4-year-old child stuck in an adult’s body. Because that’s exactly what they are.
- If possible, share no information with them. Narcissists will only use it against you.
5. Go “no contact”
- Sounds easy, but it’s not.
- Take the leap and go for a complete vanish of your Narcissist.
- If you are struggling with this, start with a low contact first then graduate to no contact.
- Trauma bonding is a spell that a covert has on you that will make you want them back regardless of the hurt they caused you.
6. Gray Rock Method when no contact is not possible
- Use email to communicate
- Don’t reply to their demands immediately. Speak after a few hours have passed to avoid a heated discussion they manipulated you into
- Short replies such as “Sounds good” or “see you then” will eliminate unnecessary drama.
- Become a dull rock. Literally. Covert narcissist mothers need drama to keep them going…if you are boring, you can guarantee they will find a new victim.
7. Know who you actually are
- A long time of abuse and belittling can distort your own sense of self-worth.
- Surround yourself with people who know you for you.
- If you share the same group of friends with a covert narcissist, get new ones. This is easier than walking on eggshells trying to decide who is working against you.
At last, the more you break free from a covert narcissist mother the easier it will be to recover.
Cycles and patterns of abuse will become apparent with the more education you give yourself.
I hope you have found at least one new way to understand and recover from this lonely experience.
I encourage you to share and raise awareness for somebody that might just not understand the manipulation spells of a Narcissist.
Dealing with a difficult mother
Learn why mothers and daughters tend to have difficult relationships,
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Entrepreneur, Father to my favorite, and dedicated to helping people get back to themselves after being victims of narcissistic abuse.
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- Narcissistic Parental Abuse | Protecting your children December 23, 2020